This one is from my notes; filled with stories I’ve woven in my head, stories that will only be true in my head.

My grandfather and I bond over discussions about this flawed generation, the right and the wrong righted in the Mahabharta, shayaris, and whiskey. Our common love for old ghazals and unapologetic feminism is something we discovered through the years.

There is this cover of aaj jaane ki zid na karo by Arijit Singh which is eight minutes and thirty-one seconds long. It is a favourite in my household, but grandma always complains about how long this specific cover is, and every time this happens, grandpa and I share a glance, roll our eyes at her ‘ignorance towards good music’, and smirk.

We must have discussed Fayyaz Hashmi’s possible intention to write that line the way it was written and the intricate use of words throughout and what that particular stanza means to us on that particular day a million times, over and over again, but there was this one time we sat through those eight and a half minute without saying a word. I had just said goodbye to the alleged love of my life at the airport. I sat in the car with a frown on my face. He played this on his old Ambassador stereo and drove. He took the longer route home and hummed while I wept in silence. He turned up the volume when these lines came and held my hand tight.

तुम ही सोचो ज़रा क्यूँ न रोकें तुम्हें

जान जाती है जब उठके जाते हो तुम

तुमको अपनी कसम जान-ऍ-जां

बात इतनी मेरी मान लो

आज जाने की ज़िद ना करो

just think for a moment, why should I not stop you; the soul leaves my body when you get up, and leave; I swear to you, my beloved; just agree to this request of mine; don’t insist on leaving tonight

He knew these were my favourite lines, and that they would hit differently that day. Grandma always said that one must feel an emotion completely in order to let go of it. So grandpa made sure that I let the fact that he has left sink in completely and make my peace with it. 

We never spoke of that evening ever again.

Our analysis of aaj jaane ki zid na karo continued along with grandma’s complaining until the day she passed away.

That day, the entire family sat outside on the porch as grandfather and I sat in his Ambassador for one last time in complete silence, for eight and a half minutes.

कितना मासूम रंगीन है ये समा

हुस्न और इश्क़ की आज मेराज है

कल की किसको खबर जान-ऍ-जां

रोक लो आज की रात को

आज जाने की ज़िद न करो

look how innocent, colourful the weather is today; love and beauty are at their peak; who knows what will happen tomorrow, my beloved; just hold on to tonight; don’t insist on leaving tonight