I think you all have figured out by now that I don’t write half-heartedly. I have not been my best self lately, I guess the negativity of this global pandemic is getting to me. These are tough times, hope everybody is safe and happy. Sending love and strength, always.

They say, “You really don’t know pain until you’ve sat down and begged God to heal your heart”

Funny, how I have gone an extra mile and begged my anxiety to leave me alone.

Here is a gist of the same conversation I have in my head every other night:

Just when I lay in bed, after a long day 

I hear a knocking at the door

“I am here”

I ask my brain, 

What is it now?

No answer.

Hey heart, who is it?

No answer.

The knock gets louder, 

One could say whoever this was, was very eager to come in.

Will someone just open the door?

No answer.

Wait, what is this gurgling sound coming from my stomach?

Excuse me, why are my fingers trembling?

Why am I sweating?

No, wait I feel chills down my spine.

Why am I clenching my teeth?

No no no, why am I hearing my heartbeat?

Okay, abort. 

Nobody even touches the door. 

No, no, brain I said no!

Do not open the door. 

I don’t have time for this.

Abort.

Do not let it in.

I don’t have the strength to fight this monster today.

Let it knock a few more times, it will leave if no one answers.

Please do not let it in.

“Too late. I am here.”

Why?

Why can’t you just let me sleep peacefully for one night?

Why don’t you leave me alone for one day?

What have I done to you?

“Oh come on! I thought we were friends!”

Friends?

You bring me pain;

Insufferable heartache;

My head hurts every time you visit;

I toss sleeplessly in my bed;

Trying to catch my breath;

Sweating through my clothes;

Crying; 

Begging God to take away all this pain;

Pleading to get rid of you!

You are not a friend, you are an uninvited guest;

Taking up all the space in my brain;

Making it want to explode;

Weighing my poor, little heart down!

Please just leave me alone.

I can’t do this today.

I am tired, please.

I need some peace, some rest.

I promise I will be prepared for you tomorrow,

Ready to fight,

Just not today, please.

“I am sorry love;

Too late. I am already here.”