For Kiya,

who read my blogs with her “midnite tea” and loved that I love to write.

I hope you are happy and one with god.

Love you more than any gods will & miss you more than our hearts can bear

I lost someone to covid; someone very near and dear.

She was the most lively person I knew and she remained that way until the last minute. Her passing away didn’t just break my heart; she took a part of me with her, along with a part of everyone I love dearly.

This is for everyone mourning and grieving and hurting. I am truly sorry for your loss and I pray that they are in a better place and that you rise above this pain.

It has been a rough month and I have concocted a list of things I tell myself every time I see her face, hear her laughter, and my heart sinks and my body freezes.

These have helped me grieve and move from asking “Why us God?” to “God, I accept this pain because I know you have a plan for us.”

I hope it helps someone, somewhere too.

1. My concept of hell-heaven is different. I say this right here is hell. We are sent down from the heavens to pay penance for the bad we have done and once our karmic cycle is balanced, we are called back home. So my dear, your loved one was called back home where the water runs fresh and the air pure and there is no concept of pain because they did their time and paid their penance.

2. They were too good for these trying times. We all know the age-old saying that just how we pick the prettiest flowers from the field, God picks the kindest soul from the earth. They are better off there.

3. It will make sense one day. I am certain that everything happens for a reason. There is always a plan. Of course we don’t see it right now but that is because our vision is blinded by these tears of blood and brain with this overwhelming pain; but one day when the tears will stop, and the pain will become bearable, we’ll see. Maybe, if they had survived, going through that hell might have changed them in ways incomprehensible to us. Or maybe, in saving them we might have caused pain and harm to someone else. Maybe.

4. Do not hold onto any sort of anger or resentment towards them for leaving because I am certain they had no choice. They did not choose to cause you this pain, they loved you deeply and were not selfish. “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.” Let them go, set them free.

5. They are all yours now. Since they are gone, you’ll feel their presence, their love, their blessings more than ever because your relationship is no longer bound by the shackles of propriety, norms of the society, or expectations. Your bond with them is above the physicality of this materialistic world, it is now spiritual, pure and just yours to feel.

6. Time will not heal. You will always feel their absence, the pain will not go away and the broken pieces of your heart will forever remain that way. But you will embrace the vacuum and the broken bits. You will learn to smile every time you think of them. You will make peace with the loss. Time will teach.

7. Be glad that you had the privilege of knowing them, of creating so many memories with them, of holding their hand and touching their life. Thank them for existing at the same time as you.

8. Celebrate their legacy by being as kind and as wonderful as they were to everyone around during these horrid times.

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I hope things get better for you, me, them, all of us.

Yours truly,

Jasmita Shah