I have been discussing heartbreaks and backstabs with many people and their ways of dealing with them. I have been trying to make sense of ways to deal with breakups; not just romantic but also between friends.

And after various times of mishandling situations, picking fights, and crying myself to bed, I have finally figured out my perception and ways to deal with people doing me wrong. And I am just writing this to find out more ways to deal with all these feelings of loneliness, jealousy, anger, and insecurity one goes through during adulting.

I no longer have the energy to pick a fight with people who did me wrong. I don’t even feel the need to give them the silent treatment. I don’t wish to waste my breath confronting them. Neither do I want their apology. What will I make of it? What difference will a made-up explanation or a half-ass apology make? What value does it add to my life?

You did what you did, it can not be undone.

You said what you said, it can not be unsaid.

So I move on. I gather all my pieces, pack my bags and get going. 

I don’t blame you for the hurt you caused, it was I who gave you the power to make me feel that way. It’s on me. There’s no bad blood amongst us. What’s done is done.

So if we cross paths on a street again, I will be decent and say hello to you but from a safe distance. I will show you kindness and not the scars you left.

I will forgive your actions but never forget how they made me feel.

But that does not mean I will wish the same pain and suffering and unhappiness on you. 

Because I want you to eat just no longer at my table. I want you to laugh and be happy but no longer at my expense. 

Because the thing is, 

मैंने तुम्हे छोड़ा है अपनी इंसानियत को नहीं

But I request you to stop checking in on me.

Don’t ask me how am I doing? Have I healed? Am I still hurting? Did I find ways to be happy again? Do I miss you?

I know you are not checking in because you care about me, or because you are worried or genuinely concerned. 

You are checking in for your own selfish reasons.

You are checking in because you want to feel better about yourself. You want to somehow make up for your actions. You want to be the bigger person.

You are not checking in to see if I am okay, you are checking in to ensure I am not. 

You want to know I am still hurting and thinking about you and waiting for you to come around. 

You want to know that I am just as miserable as you are. 

But guess what, 

I am not.

And I hope you heal too. You do better soon. 

जा तुझे तेरी बुज़दिली माफ़

आज से तेरे और मेरे रिश्ते का हर पहलु साफ़

ना मैं तेरे पास, ना ही तेरे खिलाफ

जा मेरी जान

आज से तुझे तेरी बुज़दिली माफ़