I read this beautiful piece written by my dearest Rishika called “Google Maps is giving me directions to a cafe in my own hometown” this morning
And a fellow Indian in Europe told me “you seem like a very Europeanised Indian girl” last week
I wear my mother’s very traditional-looking vintage ring to university every day
I have been listening to dil-e-naadan and hothon se chhu lo tum in my earphones on my walks back home
I played Lizzo when passed the aux that night
And honestly, I just don’t know who am I, what am I doing and how am I coping nowadays?

You see, I am an Indian and I am so bloody proud of it.
I love my skin tone and the heritage I represent with it
Hindi rolls down my tongue like its water
And I think I look my best in jhumkaas and sarees
I know the words to the entire Hanuman Chalisa and Vande Mataram
My family is my utmost priority
I know the difference between a ghazal and a qawwali
The food here tastes bland, I crave my masalas and meethais
I never miss my chance to brag about my diverse and cultured country
I make mean jokes about being colonised by the brits infront of brits
But the problem is,
I switch to English midconversation more often than I switch to my mothertongue, my sweet Gujarati
I have a lot of tattoos and piercings
I wear tiny tops that show cleavage
Don’t really shy away from conflict or flirtatious comments
I go out and seek attention along with some validation
Wear necklaces that say “feminist” and “बेखौफ़”
Prefer whisky over wine
Talk really loud and laugh louder
Give gaalis
Sit in a bad posture with my legs wide open
And the worst of all,
I cannot cook, actually, I hate to cook
And I know these characteristics have nothing to do with me being desi enough or too videsi
But can someone for god’s sake explain this to those around me?

Why is my accent too thick for the Europeans to understand and
Why is my personality too whitewashed to be truly Indian?

What do my tattoos have to do with my ethnicity?
Women in my bloodline used to have special prints and symbols hand-poked on their necks and bosoms and arms to represent their cultures
So why is it that the clocktower near my ancestral house tattooed at the back of my arm a desperate attempt to be “modern” and “goth” and “hip”?
And why is the Sanskrit shlok on my bicep my identity proof for being Indian?
Why is my inability to make the perfect dal directly proportional to my love for my culture?
And why is my disregard for tea bags because I love adrak wali garama garam chai tagged as being too attached to my heritage?

Am I too brown or not brown enough?
What is this sudden identity crisis?

Am I to apologize for being raised in a modern family
Where we were taught religion but never forced to practice it;
Where you’re told your body is a temple but never told what you can and cannot do with it;
Where you love your country but that does not mean you cannot like others;
Where you are taught love in the name of customs and not gender roles;
Where you are your own boss and you get to call the shots?

Is my upbringing too liberal for you? Are my customs too repressive to you?

Honey, I am a modern Indian woman trying to make a place for myself in a European country
I am meant to grow and evolve and adapt
But I am also going to be that brown girl who wears sarees to class and cusses in Gujarati and does not leave a single chance to talk about her home country

I am that and a lot more
I am Indian but my identity has many more folds
I am me and generations of women who lost opportunities
I am me and generations of women who started revolutions
I am me and in me, I carry the dreams and hopes of my ancestry everywhere I go
And I guess that is enough identity proof for now
No?