I was walking down my usual path and just like any other morning-
it was windy, my fingers and the tip of my nose were freezing, I was listening to some bollywood song and the air smelled fresh.
I was counting the number cycles that surpass me to divert my mind from the extreme anxiety I was feeling this particular morning and at 14 I lost count.
Something was different. Something felt familiar.
The air smelled distinct. scented. known.
I look to the left and then to my right, far ahead and then behind.
There. Right there were three men who had just walked past me. One of them, mostly the tall guy in the black trenchcoat and yellow shoes, yes terrible fashion choice, but supposedly him- was wearing your cologne.

Your cologne.

I say it like you had handcrafted that particular scent, like it belonged to the crease of your neck, like it was worn by you and only you in the whole wide world.

It was your scent.

And just like that, there I was in the middle of a random street on a continent seven oceans away from you, eight hours ahead of you, nine months post you, and ten seconds away from breaking down but instead I give out a tiny smile.
Pause.
Stand there without moving a limb.
Fill my lungs to their brim with this air that smells like you and reminds me of us.
Reminds me of a time long ago when life was simple. When I was just a young girl and you an innocent boy and the complexities of the world were far away from our sweet romance. When holding hands was scandalous and writing each other’s names on the last page of our notebook was equivalent to an engagement announcement. When forever seemed exceptionally easy. When love meant watching the same show and listening to Arijit Singh on the same set of earphones. When life was all about school and homework and checking for mails every two hours and pink nails and you. You.

I relived those sweet six years in a heartbeat and was forced back to now.

Now. My reality. Where it is completely okay to spend every Friday night in a stranger’s bed trying to find someone that makes you just feel something. Where forever lasts about 10 working days and commitment scares the hell out of everybody’s living cells. Where love is a concept for the poets and impractical beings. Where everyone has their headphones on at all times making it impossible to even greet someone. Where life is moving at the speed of 200km /h and all you can do is keep your seatbealt on and see where it takes you.

Now. The now is not bad you know. I quite like it. I think I consciously or unsciously chose this and I am glad to be where I am. The now is exciting and more independent and challenging. The now is good, it just does not have your cologne in it.

Neither does it have the innocence of a first kiss, the contentment of being at home, the carefree and peacefulness of being taken care of, and the love you and I shared.

Life as we knew it has ceased to exist and we have far moved on from the memories of it but just like that, on random Tuesday mornings, you smell your lover’s scent on someone else or hear their favourite song on shuffle or see someone wearing the same shirt they wore on your first date.
And there you are, weak in your knees, heart throbbing loud enough for someone to dance to its beats, a fortunate smile for what it used to be and an unfortunate fear of missing out on what it could have been.

Quickly I gather my scattered thoughts and continue walking.
And as I walk away, I take my lover’s scent and the bittersweet reminders of our time together with me.
Maybe at some point in the future this scent will stop reminding me of a time in my life that will never come back. Maybe this scent will just be Davidoff’s Cool Water in my head and no longer-

Your cologne.