Just a regular morning in the life of someone dealing with mental health

A 9 am class.
The alarm goes off at 7:20
Snooze.
7:29
Snooze.
7:38
Stop.
I try to get up
Roll out of the bed
Take off the blanket
Just move your damn head
But I can’t
I can’t move
I can’t even open my eyes completely.
My heart was racing at 4:41 am
I woke up drenched in sweat
Had to crack open the window
7 degrees outside
Arms shaking
No not because it’s cold
But I think this one is called a panic attack
I have 30 packets of chamomile tea in the kitchen
Over 15 different scents in the cupboard to sniff
Mum’s scarf on the hanger behind the door to hold
All my grounding techniques memorised
But I just can’t move
I cannot even reach out to the other side of my bed
See if my lover is awake
Of course because I don’t have a lover
But also because I sleep on a godforsaken single bed now
It’s okay
It’s okay, that was last night
It is 7:41 right now and I can still make it to class
My heart is no longer racing
It’s quiet
Too quiet actually
Is it even there?
Is it not beating?
Am I dead?
Ugh
Just close your eyes
Give in
You’ve done this before
Let the darkness swoop you off
Let your blood find your heart
Let your lungs force you to breathe
It’s 9:32
Fuck
I am starving
There are eggs in the fridge
Milk on the counter
Chips in the top right cabinet
Just get out of the bed
Or starve yourself,
Post Instagram stories about anxiety
Tweet angrily about your messed up mental health
Make jokes on WhatsApp chats about how amazing your morning has been
10:51, I need to pee
It has been about 11 hours since I last peed
But it has also been about 6 hours since I had a sip of water
I need to get up
Mom would have bullied me into getting out of the damned blanket
Didi would have brought breakfast in bed
I miss home
I miss being taken care of.
Shut up and get up
You cannot give in to this darkness
Please, not again.
11:01 up up up
Nobody is coming to save you
11:48 you’ve sat under the hot shower long enough to have your skin turn red
You are okay
You feel better
Your legs have a life now
Make coffee
No you’re too jittery to have coffee
Have tea
You don’t know how to make good tea
Bournvita
Ahhh I love bournvita
12 noon
Before you have a sip of your milk,
Pray
Light the incense stick,
Chant the hanuman chalisa
Thank the gods
You’re finally out of your bed
You are okay
You are fine
You are breathing
Pray
12:12
And now send your professor an email apologising for missing the
9 am class
“Due to unforeseen personal reasons”