He loves me

He loves me not

He loves me

He loves me not

He never goes to sleep without saying goodnight
He loves me

He is quick to leave once we are done and never stays the night
He loves me not

He knows I need my chamomile tea on anxious days
He loves me

He says “Can you just relax” even though he knows it is my trigger
He loves me not

He remembers the names of all my aunts and uncles from all my childhood stories
He loves me

He leaves the room to pick up calls from his family when I am around
He loves me not

He always adjusts his chair so that my hand can reach him because he knows physical touch is my love language
He loves me

We never hold hands in public
He loves me not

He untangles my hair, kisses my shoulders
Makes sure I have had solid food since the morning, am drinking enough water
Says things like “I am colour blind” when I ask him what my red flags are
He gives me the first bite of his dessert
And the last sip of his drink
He loves me

Sometimes he forgets to ask me how my day was
He talks about women from his past as if they still are just as relevant
Makes fun of my exes and says that relationships are not for him
He loves me not

I am just constantly stuck in this debate of whether he loves me or not. This was supposed to be casual, a couple of friends blurring the boundaries to reduce the loneliness. A no strings attached sort of thing, or what was that Mila Kunis movie? Friends with benefits. I think this is what a situationship is. I am not sure. Whatever it is called, this was supposed to be simple, not complicated or intense. Should I be clearing the air? Setting boundaries? Asking questions like “What are we?” Do I even want to know? I am comfortable. I am happy. I am taken care of and honestly love or not, whatever this is, I only have the time and emotional bandwidth for this much commitment. I am not sure if I can fit in a full time relationship in my schedule with a full time job with a promotion on the line! Is that problematic?

I think, as a generation, we are so preoccupied with the hustle culture, the rat race, and the main character vibes that we are left with no time for real emotions and relationships. We are so empty and busy, so in touch with our inner demons but so detached from our emotional needs. Finding love and fostering it is no longer as straightforward and accessible, we have made the concept of love and relationships so complex that I don’t even have the capacity to wonder if

I love him

I love him not