Why does heartbreak make us so bitter? So petty? Vindictive?
Once we get hostile from all the anger, where does all the love go?

Mehdi Hassan plays faintly in the background as I sit in the dark. The whisky crawls through my veins, numbing the noises in my head and making the tips of my fingers tingle and as soon as Mujhe Tum Nazar Se comes on I increase the volume and take off my glasses. My body melts into my bed and my mind drifts away in the faint memories of the little nook between your shoulder and your neck where my head would fit perfectly every night, in the firmness of your biceps I would grab onto in the crowded Saturday markets and in the softness of your lips against mine.

Just as I start to miss you, Mehdi sahab says meri yaad hogi jidhar jaoge tum kabhi nagma banke kabhi banke aansu; roughly translated– wherever you go, you’ll find memories of me sometimes in a song, sometimes in a tear

And I am fueled with anger, with so much rage and obnoxious self-confidence
How will you ever get over me? How will you ever move on?

I will be everywhere you look and nowhere to be found.

As you wake up in the morning and try looking out the window, you’ll see me opening the curtains to let the sunshine seep in bright and early even if you are still sleepy and annoyed and when you make your morning tea you will put only one spoon of sugar because now you too like your chai zyada adrak aur kam shakar meri jaan. The fresh flowers on your table or perhaps the absence of them will remind you of how I would bargain with the vendors every weekend to buy my flowers in bulk. And as you sit in your car to drive to work, you will play Shankar Mahadevan’s Hanuman Chalisa because it is a ritual for you too now. You’ll find an old post-it in the back pocket of your jeans, it is one of many I hid like a scavenger hunt after that one time you told me you leave bills from our dates in your pockets to find on random days so that you’re reminded of that particular meal with me. And months later you will clean your nightstand drawers and find my little bottle of ittar. Shafqat Ali, Hozier and Jagjit Singh will always remind you of my horrid singing and you will never order fries without truffle mayonnaise.
You will find me everywhere.
Next winter when you pull out your sweaters, one of them will have a strand of my hair stuck on it and even the slightest intimacy will remind you how my fingertips traced the scars on your back and how warm my breath felt on your thighs. You will grow out your hair and feel my hands run through them, you will cook lavish meals and always forget to add salt.
You will find love again and build a life. You will go on vacations and take happy pictures. You will have kids and build a family. You will be happy and fulfilled.
And still, every time you see a lily bloom, hear an old ghazal, read poetry, make chai and wear your navy blue turtleneck, you will think of me. You will be enveloped in hints of my vanilla cologne and my laughter will fill up the room.
That is your punishment, your penance for all the pain you have caused me.

I will be everywhere you look and nowhere to be found.

Well, that is all a lie.
You won’t yearn for me. You won’t even remember me. All the love my heart harbours for you even after all that you have put me through does not allow me to wish you ill. So I hope you have moved on and you have healed. I hope you wake up and think of the day ahead, not some woman from the past. You listen to ghazals and try to remember who sang the original version and flowers bring you nothing but delight. I hope you have already found love, a love that fits better in your life. I hope she is beautiful, kind, and just as ambitious as you. And I hope when you kiss her the world seizes to exist. There is no thought of what was and what could have been. She is your everything. She is your home. She is your eternity.
I wish you joy and I wish you a life free of my memories.

But Mehdi sahab said- mujhe tum nazar se gira to rahe ho, mujhe tum kabhi bhi bhula na sakoge; roughly translated- even though you have stopped seeing me, you won’t be able to forget me completely