I sit at my study table in this tiny room I pay too much rent for,
Writing my final essay for an Urban History Elective I am taking
It is about the gentrification of a neighbourhood in Rotterdam that I now identify as “my neighbourhood” after living here for not more than 7 months
I have found the perfect scientific papers to justify my observations
Jagjit Singh is playing in the background as I misspell xenophobia
There is a scented candle next to my laptop
My Chinese friend gifted it to me and it smells like summer in my room
I lit the candle with a lighter I stole from this Serbian guy I met once
I am a part-time bartender now, who would have guessed?
My salary was just credited and I am wondering if I should go for a walk and buy fresh flowers to replace the two-week-old, dead roses in the vase
I spent the morning making adrak wali chai and finally after three years, I have cracked the measurements for a perfect single cup of tea
The idea of one cup chai no longer depresses me, maybe that is a lie, I am still annoyed
Chai is supposed to be a communal experience
But my very Dutch flatmate makes really nice chai now using almond milk and ginger syrup(???)
It is my sister’s birthday next week and I managed to send her a gift to Dubai
And I promise myself this is the last time I spend her birthday away from her
My dad said he is proud of me
I got in a fight with my best friend but we continued talking for an hour to fix it like adults
Her perspective is clearer to me, she was so open to understanding mine
There is this mutual respect and I feel like I have never loved her more
I received this postcard that was lost in the mail
It is a little torn and has footprints on the envelope, looks like it went through hell to find me
But it found me precisely two months later on the first day of a deadly monthly cycle
I needed that little pick-me-up
The universe always provides
One of my closest friends is coming back from Japan and moving in with me
I am so excited to see how our friendship unravels with this change
Did you know you can actually do cocaine in the restaurant bathroom if there are no visible specified house rules?
My friend’s boyfriend who is a manager told me about this loophole recently
And I also know that a Russian soldier’s average survival rate in Ukraine is only two to four weeks
This random man who fled his country when he turned 18 because otherwise, he would have had to enlist in the army, told me that at a party
My aunt is on a trip to Goa, she wears cool sunglasses and takes selfies now
She feels guilty for having fun without her husband
I remember it is about to be two years since he left us
But his wife laughs louder now, and wears cool sunglasses
She says she has to live for the both of them
Grief concerns me on some days and consumes me on others
I love coffee but it hates me
And I see swans so often these days it is like Saraswatiji lives next door
I am studying for a final exam and I just realised that this possibly is the last exam I will write for a while
Is my innocence, naivety, youthfulness and freedom coming to an end with my student life?
“Are you going to go back to India?”
I keep getting asked this question too often and I don’t know the answer
I confide in my flatmate that moving abroad and leaving behind my family has been the single most painful experience of my life
And I wake up guilty on most days because no one asked me to do this
I had all the privilege and comfort and love in the world back home and still, I chose to leave
Gods will give you a messed-up family that you want to escape or horrible circumstances that force you to chase pounds and dollars
And when they give you love and comfort, they give you this curiosity and aspiration to find out what is on the other side
I love my life here, I love who I am here
But I miss home all the time
So perhaps my purpose in this life is to find out what matters the most:
This idea of “me” I keep chasing or the comfort of “we” that keeps calling me home
I hope I find a sweet spot in between
And oh what a privilege to have the time and resources to spend my life finding answers to such existential questions and not fundamental ones like
Will my house be bombed tonight?
Is there enough food to feed my family this week?
Do I have autonomy over my body and can I get a drivers license?
Oh what a time and space to be a woman
I start to celebrate my blessings and immediately a wave of guilt drowns me
Because there exist so many women right this moment who don’t feel this way
And so many children who have no idea of the world on the other side
And so many families separated not by some adventure but by war and poverty and inequality
And I roll into my bed annoyed at myself because I am also an indirect participant in this gentrification I am so righteously writing my essay about
Who am I in the larger scheme of things?
How do I help?
When will I make a difference?
Will I make a difference?