Trigger Warning: War

I want to write more fiction, but the world is at war

My sister lives in Dubai, and also  in every fold of my fleshy heart

I have known her for as long as I have lived

I have a very deep, devotional, self-sacrificial kind of love for her 

There is her and then there is the rest of the world

And this love is also reciprocated

We are so obsessed with each other, it is almost cringe to a third person

Third person? Our own parents periodically feel left out

I love didi so much 

She lives in Dubai and Dubai is under attack

Has been for almost 20 days now

My grandmother is hellbent on calling didi home on the first flight out 

My aunts call her every other day to check in

The cousins are all overly active on the group chat

She says her WhatsApp is full of family and friends asking if she is safe

My dad keeps sending her news articles 

So my mom and I are trying to keep things light

We don’t mention the missiles or geopolitics on our calls with her 

Or at least my mom doesn’t

She instead asks if didi had lunch

When did she wash her hair?

Did she go to the gym today?

Was work busy?

Is she sleeping well?

I try to do the same, but I am failing

I keep checking flights out of Dubai

To India

To Netherlands

To anywhere

She called me a couple of days ago, scared

I just saw a missile get intercepted, and debris fall across the street Jasmita

Yes, yes I am safe 

I am indoors, and everything is fine

There was just a really loud sound and some smoke 

I am scared, but it is fine, don’t worry. 

My legs start to shake

I am sitting at a terrace in Rotterdam

Enjoying the first few sunny days of the year

The water in the canal is dirty but still dances to the sunshine’s rhythm

Swans are swimming by

My beer foam has vanished and I still haven’t taken a single sip

I raise my glass to do the mandatory cheers with eye contact with my friends 

This call is taking longer than I had assumed it would take 

I don’t want to bring the party down by telling them what I am hearing 

So I nudge everyone to start drinking 

As I get up and walk away from the table

The man next to me just lit a cigarette 

And the smoke is in my face

I start to move further away and think

Is this what the air in Dubai smells like right now?  

I think she called me to confide in me

But before I can console her, she starts consoling me

It is fine Jasmita, don’t worry okay?

I am safe

This will pass

Her voice is unwavering, very controlled

She is enunciating too well

Breathing too quietly for someone who just saw a missile

I am trying not to worry

However, my palms are sweating

Heart is racing

Something hurts in my chest 

And a disloyal tear trickles down my cheek

Deep breaths Jasmita

I collect every cool cell in my body and 

First tell myself

She is safe

And then tell her 

Yes, it will pass

As I walk back to my chilled beer

For the third time that day, I check flights out of Dubai

I want to write more fiction 

But all I can think about is that the world is at war.