I was about to turn 18 when I got my first tattoo
Months and months of thinking, scrolling through the internet for ideas
And then finally deciding to get one single word tattooed
With each letter in the handwriting of a woman I love, a woman who changed my life
My mum, my sister, my teacher and my best friend
And then I was pondering life and loss in the mountains
Reading shayaris and poems
When I recalled a sher my father would recite to my sister and I growing up
I knew then that I, a sanatani, must get an urdu word tattooed
For the love of language and art and all things greater than the binary
I am 20 now and I have 7 tattoos
I write this as I sit in a car driving to my tattoo artist for more
Maybe it is just a fashion statement
Or a cheap thrill (which is not really cheap to be honest haha)
Or its the adrenaline rush you feel as the tattoo gun pierces your skin
Or maybe I am so scared to commit to anything permanent in terms of relationships and life
That committing to tattoos makes me feel some sort of empowerment
Or maybe tattooing words and pictures on my skin is one way to keep me bound
To things that once mattered to me.
Said best friend and I don’t talk anymore
But she did mean the entire world to me when I was 18,
And she did influence my life deeply
So just because circumstances are different now,
Do I disregard everything we once shared?
Our companionship of 16 years lives through that crooked “e” on my arm now.
I left my five-storied childhood home that my grandfather built from the ground up very early
So the clock tower you could see from the terrace there and
The legacy of my family name that house strengthened
Lives on, on my bicep now.
I took sanskrit as an optional language in school
But never gained fluency
So I carry a shlok to feel closer to my Indian heritage
As I discuss global citizenship in some classroom in Netherlands.
You see all my tattoos have some story
With a meaning almost only significant to me
But then I also love tattoos that are just there for the aesthetic purpose of it
Tattoos that don’t have a particular story-
Just a vibe
Getting tattoos is such a personal experience
Everyone gets to decide what why where and when.
My friend’s father says his generation would keep mental images and notes
Of all things important and influential
But this generation needs permanent ink for it
My father hates the concept paying to endure pain
And get something permanently engraved on you
However, uncle has numerous pictures and photo frames on each wall of his house
From different birthdays and family functions
And my father has been committed to one woman for over 28 years,
while building a business since he was 17
Ironic, funny and so endearing.
Imagine passing away and
People you knew from different phases of life
Walk through the corridors of your house to bid farewell
Only to find the walls empty
The books on your shelf unmarked and as good as new
Doorframes without any signs of children comparing their growing heights
All diaries only keeping accounts of money people owe you and money you owe people
Imagine leaving nothing behind
No archives, no records and no legacy of the life you lived
It scares me
I want people I love to know everything about me when I am gone
Have records of everything I ever did and failed at and then succeeded after all
But the thing is that this is a generation of nomads
I no longer have a home
I might never have a home
So I make my body my permanent residence
My skin is the wall I get to paint weird colours
And put up photo frames,
Mark every inch I grow in life; emotionally, spiritually and professionally on
My body will be the museum
Everyone shall walk through to live the experiences I did when I am gone
My body will be my memoir
Everyone shall read to learn from my mistakes when I am gone
And even when the blood dries out in my veins,
The ink shall live on
Until my body is finally put to rest
With all my stories and life lessons, finally gone.